A middle name announcement

I got cold feet.

Tonight, I planned to share with you my new chosen middle name. To catch you up to speed, I chose my first name, Spencer, just over a year ago now.

‘Spencer’ is my birth middle name. I leaned on my middle name as I transitioned, grateful that it felt fitting with where I was headed. As I recovered from top surgery, I decided to bump it up to 1st place status. Today, ‘Spencer’ wears like my favorite, worn, cozy winter sweater. As for a middle name, that was harder for me to choose. Since Spencer is also a big family name, I thought why not pick a middle name that I like, and that be that. Simple and sweet. Such a name came along. I let it rest with me for all of 2024. One day last summer, I sat out on the sun porch, feet propped up on a stool. My oldest sibling sat next to me, legs on the ground, hips spread out to allow the womb to rest more comfortably in between. “I’m really excited about a name we’re considering. It’s ______,” she shared. I was floored. Usually you’d know how I feel in an instant. Emotions on the sleeve, that sort of thing. Fortunately, I kept myself in order, re-channeling my excitement about the name for my nibling instead of me. September rolled around. I got the call that my nibling was born and…with a different name. Whew, and then yup, this is definitely name for me. So from there, the last couple of months, I shared with close family, friends, and some coworkers. All was well. Last night, I believed I was ready to notarize the middle name by sharing online.

Until I got cold feet.

That might not be the one, Spencer, said a voice in my head this very morning as I drove down the freeway en route Washington, D.C. Another panicked voice said, But I’ve been sitting on this one for a year!!! I made sure I was sure! Several moments passed before the nonchalant first voice responded, You’ll know when it is the right one. Damn.

Spencer Justice.

That’s the name I thought I was going to excitedly announce to you tonight. Instead, I’m finding myself sharing about my first “one step backward” since beginning my gender transition a few years ago. Up until now, I relied on my gut. While I didn’t have that gut feeling with Justice, I wasn’t worried. I figured, I still love this name and choosing a middle name doesn’t feel as serious so it’s all good. Ha. Nope, the gut knows. So, what now, you may wonder. I think I’m going back to the drawing board. Soon enough, I’ll know the one.

I planned to share something else personal tonight, but it’s getting late so more to come tomorrow.

Good night, you.

-s.g.

p.s. Here’s an update on my little warm-up doodle project. Again, sharing with you is my own form of accountability to see my projects through to completion! Grin.

approximately ~110 seperate doodles

No one edits my writing. I’m no expert in language use and word order. I ask for your grace if you stumble across any errors or mistakes in my written pieces. Consider it part of my art; an imperfect expression plucked from my heart and placed onto your screen. Consensual hugs.