Tonight, I planned to share with you my new chosen middle name. To catch you up to speed, I chose my first name, Spencer, just over a year ago now.
‘Spencer’ is my birth middle name. I leaned on my middle name as I transitioned, grateful that it felt fitting with where I was headed. As I recovered from top surgery, I decided to bump it up to 1st place status. Today, ‘Spencer’ wears like my favorite, worn, cozy winter sweater. As for a middle name, that was harder for me to choose. Since Spencer is also a big family name, I thought why not pick a middle name that I like, and that be that. Simple and sweet. Such a name came along. I let it rest with me for all of 2024. One day last summer, I sat out on the sun porch, feet propped up on a stool. My oldest sibling sat next to me, legs on the ground, hips spread out to allow the womb to rest more comfortably in between. “I’m really excited about a name we’re considering. It’s ______,” she shared. I was floored. Usually you’d know how I feel in an instant. Emotions on the sleeve, that sort of thing. Fortunately, I kept myself in order, re-channeling my excitement about the name for my nibling instead of me. September rolled around. I got the call that my nibling was born and…with a different name. Whew, and then yup, this is definitely name for me. So from there, the last couple of months, I shared with close family, friends, and some coworkers. All was well. Last night, I believed I was ready to notarize the middle name by sharing online.
Until I got cold feet.
That might not be the one, Spencer, said a voice in my head this very morning as I drove down the freeway en route Washington, D.C. Another panicked voice said, But I’ve been sitting on this one for a year!!! I made sure I was sure! Several moments passed before the nonchalant first voice responded, You’ll know when it is the right one. Damn.
Spencer Justice.
That’s the name I thought I was going to excitedly announce to you tonight. Instead, I’m finding myself sharing about my first “one step backward” since beginning my gender transition a few years ago. Up until now, I relied on my gut. While I didn’t have that gut feeling with Justice, I wasn’t worried. I figured, I still love this name and choosing a middle name doesn’t feel as serious so it’s all good. Ha. Nope, the gut knows. So, what now, you may wonder. I think I’m going back to the drawing board. Soon enough, I’ll know the one.
I planned to share something else personal tonight, but it’s getting late so more to come tomorrow.
Good night, you.
-s.g.
p.s. Here’s an update on my little warm-up doodle project. Again, sharing with you is my own form of accountability to see my projects through to completion! Grin.
No one edits my writing. I’m no expert in language use and word order. I ask for your grace if you stumble across any errors or mistakes in my written pieces. Consider it part of my art; an imperfect expression plucked from my heart and placed onto your screen. Consensual hugs.
You’re a delightful writer! I love reading your stories. That art work you doodled could turned into a really cool wallpaper product!!